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I want~

Just heard a song for the first time and it struck a chord, I have been listening to it on repeat~
Just thought I would share the lyrics:

~Grace Potter and Bethany Joy Galeotti

I'm the girl with the best intentions
something I should probably mention
I like to get just what I paid for
So i pay and I get and I pay and want some more, more, more

And I want something that I want
Something I tell myself I need
Something that I want
I need everything I see

I'm a girl who's got a notion
I'm a gonna show you my magic potion
I could shop till I drop right to the floor
And I get right up and I want some more

And I want something that I want
Something I tell myself I need
Something that I want
I need everything I see (everything I see)


And I want something that I want
Something I tell myself I need
Something that I want
I need everything I see

Something that I want
something that I tell myself I need
something that I want
And I need everything I see

Its helping keep a smile on my face, when all I want to do is sit and cry!

The things I dont know....

G'Morning Everyone!

Okay so I stole this from beurre_blanc, I guess its not stealing if your asked to repost but whatever! So here it is, I dont do these usually either...but if your on my flist please fill this out here. Im one of those people who dont post alot, but Im here all the time reading and watching. So this would be a great way for me to get to know more about you all...so PLEASE! And I am SO bored at work today.

Getting to know you!!!Collapse )

I cant wait for fall to be here...

I love the summer but Im done, and not because its been to hot, or I have had my fill of summertime stuff but I love the fall. The last few mornings have been a tease, its been sunny and cool and there is a bit of a brisk breeze and its just so refreshing. It always puts a lil pep in my step haha!

I am fairly exhausted, the freakin Olyimpics need to be over already I can not sustain this level of function on such a lack of sleep. But I cant help it I just stay glued to the TV until I see the events finish for the night, and then if I missed something they are always replaying it after the main airings for the day play. So if anyone of you happen to come across me and I look like shit its the IOC/NBC's fault.
This coffee is a beautiful thing this morning though, not to mention the fact that its actually quiet in the office so far, I mean I know its only 8:34am but still. I hate when the phone rings at 8:06, or people show up and want me to be coherant enough to fill out and complete legal documents and lease forms...REALLY people eat me!

I feel like I should post here so much more then I do to, I am on here everyday...I dont think my life is interesting enough to bore you all with the detail haha! No thats not it, Im just to lazy I think...plus my thoughts are often unorganized. That being said Ill be 30 in 6 days. I freaking a bit, and not because Im going to be 30 but because Im not a fan of birthdays in general. Its just a reminder to me that I once had ambition and plans and that yet another year has passed without me being able to accomplish them. Dont get me wrong Im not giving up, I will do these things. I just feel like its a cycle or insanity at times. You need money to go to school, cant make more money with out going to school, you need a job with a sch thats able to accomodate a work sch, you cant get a job making the money you make(which is good money for the lack of college education)with going back to school and you have to make at least what you make to survive.

Someday I will hit the lottery and be able to go to Paris and go to Culinary School, screw NYC haha! And I wont have to worry about paying my bills and tuition and surviving all at the same time. See and then I say this shit outloud and I feel like one of those fckn whiney people I hate, the ones who just complain and never do anything about the situation. I have tried, Im trying and I just cant quiet figure it all out in a managable way. I guess thats the key for me, I can function when things are not managable. I work best with a plan, and I know things dont always go according to plan...believe me so I know that. But I need to know that I am going to be able to make ends met, still work without it being a sch issue and go to school. I guess my fear it truely that I will start this yet again and if I cant make it work I will be just beyond destroyed. I dont crack easily, it takes alot for me to be shaken but see this is different these are my personal dreams and goals. It matters to no one else but me what happens...usually the things Im doing involve taking care of others. Im no good at the taking care of self thing, Im better then I used to be but still not really where I would like to be...obviously.

The other things is I sort of wanted to be able to throw myself a bit of a bash this year, everyone keeps saying this is a big milestone. I wanted family and friends..all of them around me. And I can not afford to do that now and honestly neither can anyone else I know.
Christ I need to stop whining I hate people who whine haha...argh

On an unrelated topic, work is nuts right now! My boss was "promoted" which is crazy in and of itself but its okay with me because he will be out of here sooner rather then later. There was drama that enused from the time he revealed his news. I was basically passed over in terms of being able to apply for the position, I was told it was already filled...which pissed me off. Turns out that has fallen through, but since that time I have had a meeting with both my boss and his immediate boss. It seems that point in that meeting was speak to me about all the things I am not doing and how that needs to be corrected before they bring someone new in. I was not only blindsided but seriously fckn angry. And she could tell how taken aback I was, I turned to my boss and was like well why arent I doing said things. To which he was forced to man up and say " well you know me I dont like to let go of things and I really havent given her these things to do, or taken the time to show her how"! Really you brought me into this meeting knowing what was going to happen and just sat there while I got the third degree and thought I wasnt going to throw your ass under the bus. I think not my friend, I have backed your plays for years so you didnt look like as asshole. All the while your giving people the impression that Im not doing my job, or pulling my weight or Im just slacker....screw you! Needless to say when that brief meeting was over I privately told him boss I needed to speak to her without him present. And that is what happened on Monday evening. We talked for nearly 2 hours, I layed it all on the line. I told her everything the good the bad and fckn ugly...the long and the short of it is he hasnt been doing his job for a long time now. There are so many things up in the air, projects started and not completed, issues that go unresolved esp. with customers because he refuses to get involved and retrun phone calls and so on. He is the procrastinator extrodinaire! She was seriously floored by what I had to say. I also told her that I wasnt without blame, I have become complacent in the whole thing. Its hard to get thigns done, or to attempt do things when you have no support or help. But that I never wanted to make him look bad( we are/or were friends outside of this place for a long time). I also told her I was hesitant about having the conversation even though I knew it needed to happen because I dont like feeling like a rat, but the thing is in order for me to be preparred for this transition there are apparently alot of things I still need to know and be brought up tp date on. I dont enoj playing catch up or feeling like a fish out of water. I guess I had more pent up annoyance about this situation then I realized before I stared typing huh? sorry for the rant!

And then there is my dear April, the woman who despite mine and everyone else better judgement I still am in contact with. Its not as dramatic as that made it sound. I mean we have always been incontact that hasnt changed but lately things has gotten more intense then they have been. And by intense I mean we are sort of headed back to the the I love you, I miss you, I need to see you and I want to touch you and so on so forth. And she started it, she was like I think I need to see you again. I want to just be near you for a little while to see your face and hear you laugh and not over the phone. I know enough to know that this isnt going to change anything, so I take it for what its worth. I do enjoy it while its happening though, although Im very happy with myself because Im not looking for her to call me all the time. Im not waiting on her for anything so I feel better about this right now then I have in the past.

I think as a birthday present to myself Im going to come out....I mean I need to I want to but I cant be afraid of this anymore. My friends all know, I just NEED to tell my mother. We are so close and always have been and I feel like Im lying to her by not telling her the truth. I dont want to hide things anymore, like when Im going out I want to just say yea Im going to the L bar tonight or to circut or georges. Not oh yea Im going to the bar with so and so. I always feel like Im holding back and its just to tiring anymore.

Okay this was so random and all over but I guess I needed to just get it out of my head :)
Thank you for indulging me and my bullshit!

8 years and nothing.....

So for eight years now I have been with the same company. I started out as basically customer service although the title was storage advisor! After a few years I was promoted to Assistant Property Manager. Its been about umm 4 or 5 years now. Thing is unless there is a new property that is opening, or someone leaves/is fired there is no where to go in this company. But I have been biding my time because the property I work at has a residential manager position. Basically it comes with an all expense paid apartment, aside from say your cable. And my boss has been looking to either move into the management company here or just move on all together. So last night I get a phone call at about 8:15 and its my boss asking me where I am. On Sunday nights its pretty much a known fact that me and my friends and cohorts go to dinner after church. My boss John is also a friend and has spent more then on Sunday evening and many other events with me and my friends. So he said he is going to meet us there. When he gets there he informs me that he isnt eating but he needs to speak with me, can we go outside? Sure...Im thinking fuck whats happening??? We go outside and he proceeds to tell me that he has gotten a promotion, he is moving to the management company...and they have ALREADY HIRED SOMEONE for his position blah blah blah blah blah!!!! EXCUSE ME??? Que Que???

Eight years of bending over backwards, and doing whatever was asked and or needed...and I dont even get a fucking courtesy interview...you cant lie and tell me you dont think Im ready whatever. I am in search of a new job...this is a sure sign I am meant to be elsewhere.
That being said I am so unfuckingbelievably angry right now, I can barely deal. I just cant believe that they wouldnt even discuss this with me, at least mention it to me before it is a done deal. This not some huge corporation, its a midsized still family owned and operated for te most part company.

On top of this, I am in the middle of dealing with my mother who is seriously depressed. And Im not talking like oh I feel icky and blue sort of depressed. I mean I am in need of some medication and therapy I dont want to get out of bed I cry every free minute Im not sleeping type of depressed. And I feel like a horrible daughter/person because I am not being very patient with her. I of all people who has been there and done that and I am just so god damned frustrated....I thinks its because I cant really help her. I have no control of the situation and everything else in my life feels like its spinning out of control all at the same time.

I just need a damn vacation....and to hit the lottery. This way I can open my small eclectic we serve amazing food your mamma used to make restaurant and be done with all this corporate bullshit and not have to answer to anyone but myself!!!!

I am done with everything...I need a beach the ocean and seriously heavy hitting drinks preferably served by hot woman at my beckon call...for like a week. Is that really to damn much to ask?? Because I dont feel like it is at the moment, since I have just been royally fucked without so much as a please, thank you, kiss or goodbye!!!!
Why is it that when people you love are in trouble they come to you ask for your opinion and your help and then turn around an fckn ignore everything you have said and done???

They say your thoughts and action count or matter because you are the one that has always been there, and always will be right? And maybe thats the issue, maybe I should be there next time. I am so angry and hurt and feel slightly betrayed and maybe Im being dramatic, but how many times can you watch someone you care about walk right back into a dangerously unhealthy situation with the only explanation being I love him I cant leave. For christ sake you have kids to worry about if your not worried about yourself. Werent you the one who told me that you have been feeling exactly like you felt before your breakdown....and shoudlnt that tell you something? Is that what you want for you life, a circle of okay, not so okay, horrible, almost having a nervous breakdown, he get his shit together of like a month and it starts all over again?

Why do you drag me in everytime you feel like you need out? Is it because you know that I know thats the best thing for you to be out and you know I will be your biggest champion? Well guess what I dont know if I can do that anymore... I love you and the girls like you were my family, fck that you are my family but this hurts to much. Watching you destroy yourself slowly werr fckn 30 for christ sake its all just begining and your throwing it all away for what? For some twisted sense of what love is, beleive me baby that aint it. Just like it wasnt it with the first scumbag who beat you, and I know he would never physically hurt you but what he does is no different. He might as well hit you at least then people from the outside could see what the hell was going on...Pill addictions are hard to see unless you in the middle of it. How many time will you have to make up excuses to the pharmacist to refill a prescription of yours, one you have a valid reason for taking but done have anymore of because he found your hiding spot? What the hell kind of a life is this G?

Your text message last night broke my heart, I love you too but I dont know if I can forgive you this...maybe in time, but right now I am so angry with you. I wish so badly pops was still here he would have kicked your ass and knocked some serious sense into you. He would have killed Joe for the shit he pulled last week, and he wouldnt have allowed your parents to get involved and have you try to work things out yet again....they have no idea whats really happening!

Till next time my friend, I hope your well and that things work out Im sorry I cant be around to see how it plays out, its just to damn hard for me.
So I am officially sick, and when I say sick I mean full of nasty shit that makes it feel like I am trying to breath from 20,000 leagues under the sea! Every breath I take is freaking audible...so Im sure the people around me are just loving my existance at the moment. I am hacking like a 98 year old man who has smoked for 90 of those 98 years, and my throat is on fire.
I cant get in to see the damn doctor until 4:30 this afternoon, and my back and sides hurt from coughing, I am seriously cranky...in need of a hug, or someone to play with my hair or rub my back. When I feel this bad I crave contact like no other time...its a bit fucked up though talk about self defeating who the hell wants to be that close to someone who is infectious and contagious like haha!

I have been using my inhaler all morning as well, so ontop of all the icky sick stuff I am shakey like a crack whore in need of a fix...I am a sight to behold and you know you want this bwahahaha!

Yea and today I miss HER...the one who shall not be names(right miss Katie)! Why is when you feel at your lowest you pick the one and only thing that could make you feel worse then you do already and dwell on it...oh right because I am a masachist(sp?)

Thats my happy ray of fckn sunshine for the day


So I wake this morning at about 7:10am, cant go back to sleep because I am having a lovely asthma attack. Which is accompanied by a horribly painful cough...which I did not have when I went to sleep. All I can say is FUCK I dont have time for this shit. I have been fighting getting sick for about three weeks now, and I really thought I had won...guess again huh? Yea I love this time of year...why cant it just be summer and sunny and warm already I am really whiny right now, mostly because I could totally have slept this morning, I dont have to e in work untl noon. But no Im sittin gon the couch screwing around on the internet drinkng tea that is no longer hot and debating on when I should get in the shower, because I have to run to CVS...did I mention the asthma attack was only made worse by the fact that my inhaler is empty and the refill is sitting filled around the corner at CVS. No I didnt well yea it is haha!

In other news I hae become addicted to Missy Higgins...I mean I love her secnd album "On a Clear Night", but there are songs I am just getting to know rom her first album. Stuff she did live when we went to see her, if you get a minute you should lsiten to Scar, and 10 Days...they are off the album "The Sound of White"....fuckng amazing. I love music that seems to have come from my own experience...of course with someone elses voice, because mine at the moment sounds all froggy and scrtachy. Actually its sort of hot but only when I speak not sing haha.

Here is a snippet from Scar:
A triangle trying to squeeze through a circle she tried to blunt me so I'd fit. And doesnt that sound familiar, doesnt that hit to close to home, doesnt that make you shiver the way things could have gone, doesnt it feel peculiar when everyone wants a little more...so that I do remember to never go that far could you leave me with a scar. I think I realized just in time although my old self was hard to find, you can bathe me in your finest wine but Ill never give you mine. Cause Im a little bit tired of fearing Ill be the bad fruit nobody buys, tell me did you think we'd all dream the same!

Or from 10 Days:
So we put it an end to it this time, Im no longer yours and your no longer mine. You said this hill is far to steep if Im not even sure its me you want to keep. But its been 10 days without you in my reach, and the only time Ive touched you is in my sleep. But time has changed nothing at all your still the only one that feels like home. I tred cutting the ropes ties letting go but your still the only one that feels like home!

Any who....oh I went to a wedding this weekend, and the bride was seriously the ahppiest bride I have ever seen. And I have seen my share she freaking gowed from places I didnt think it was possible to glow from , lol! But all I really wanted to tell was that I looked fabulous and I never say I looked fabulaous...esp when it involves a dress. But I bought the most adorable, black and white polka dot sheer wrap dress(over a black slip dress of course) and unbelievably fabulous black and white pumps. The best part was that it looked all 1950's esq haha. Yea I excited..and there are no good pics of course but that my life so whatevs :)
Also purchase an amazing jacket on clearance for next season, haha Im not really sure when I became this crazy shopper girl but Im liking it.
Anyway I have nothing else really going on so I will stop babbling and get my ass in the shower, to the store and then to work...enjoy your Monday!

Thoughts before some sleep...

Its late and tomorrow will come to soon... Im exhausted but sleep wont come soon enough! So many things so little time, so many people to please but not enough of me to go around. Your far away and too far to reach, and yet when I am alone and lonely I wish that you were still the you I knew before things changed. The thing is I think I just miss the idea of us...and despite this I am not really sad and that makes me so happy :) yea I know Im fucked up and backwards haha..but thats me! But I think of others now when I think of the future and thats scary but exhilerating all at the same time.

Tomorrow I will get up early and run around doing things I promised to others, fullfilling commitments that I need to keep...that I want to keep. Because that is who I am and who I want to be. OMG I have a freaking twitch in my left eye I dont know when it started but its ridiculous lol..yea that was an aside! But these days I just think its stress...I feel stretched thin, and sort of frayed in many ways, and never clearer and more together in other ways.

The one thing I want is to replace the memory of what you felt like... I mean physically. I dont want to forget you or what we had...but I have moved ahead in so many ways. I just dont want to think of your touch everytime I think of being touched. I have moved ahead in this area as well...Im proud of myself Im moving on and forward. There have been a few people in the recent past that have helped..but I have this need for a night or a weekend of reckless wild abandon. I need to just have a purely physical, intense sexual experience. With someone I am drawn to and who makes me feel wanted and sexy and desirable again. Wanted and sexy and desirable to someone who isnt you..her! Im not writing this for her I am writing this for myself...!

I need to feel that heat, that throb, that ache...I want to want someone so much that I cant stop myself from assaulting there senses and them mine. I want to fuck until I cant move, until either of us cant move. I want to be taken and I want to give until they cant take anymore. I want to smell another woman and feel her skin and its heat against mine. I want to want to taste her and be inside of her until she cant compose a sentence anymore. And I know that all this means I am ready...ready for what exactly I dont have an answer, but my god am I ready to find out!

So tonight, I will fall asleep to though of a beautiful that I know...taking me in and to places that only we know. And its will be fun and exciting and passionate and hot and exactly what we both need. Knowing that I am still sexy and desirable...and with no other reason behind it except its what I NEED! Its been a long time since I have taken care of myself in this way, and its hard at times to remember in the midst of life that even I NEED to be taken care of!

PS sorry for any typos I m really tired!


Wed nights and wine

So my Wed. nights have become a routine of late. I work until 8pm, go the to liquor store and pick up a bottle of wine( the big ones not the small ones)! I go to my friend Mares... I come in a get changed, she heats me up dinner cause she has always made something yummy for her and her hubby! We crack the bottle of wine, i eat and we wtach Criminal Minds...then as we drink a bit we end up just talking and chilling and usually watching wierd ass things On Demand...we found midget wrestling. Have a few glasses of wine and then watch the midget smack down...that what I call one hell of a night haha!

Its been a good week so far...comapred to last week thank god. I was just exhausted and emotional last week and dealing with more Apes bullshit. This week I feel like my head is in a different place, I just feel like I am looking at things differently. And thats all good for me lol :0

I have waived the white flag, surrendered a bit haha, and I am no longer puttin stock in something I cant rely on...I would say thats a step in the right direction. At least for me. I want to promise myself I am going to do more things that make me laugh, pr a bring to my face everyday. Maybe engage my self in new friendships/aquaintenceships ( is that a word? lol)! I love my friends and family and they bring me so much joy and happiness, but I have spent alot of the last year and half focusing on what I lost I think I have let some things pass me by with out giving then a chance...even potential friendships. I dotn want to do that anymore...Im worth more then that.

I have just finished my last glass of wine its nearly midnight, I am sitting in Mares rooms she is wtaching tv and I will be off to bed in like three minutes. I have to be up at 6:45am tomorrow and in work by 8am...Im off to dreamland, and dreaming is what I hope to be doing :0

Sweet dreams flisters...hope you all got a chance to take a look at the Lunar eclpise while it was happening. It was really awesome to see!!!!


You have done more harm then good, you have hurt me in ways I never relly imagined were possible. Im not trying to be dramatic Im just saying I never felt pain like the pain you caused me. I thought we had moved past alot of shit, and that we might have been headed back to the begining of this whole mess...our friendship. I guess I was wrong...and I know you say you feel like I make you the bad guy. Or that I agitate you by pointing out that your one with no time, but its thr truth I mean christ you admit that. And yes its a bit more complicated then a normal friendship because I never loved, or planned on creating a life with, or made love to a friend before. But if we made it this far why the hell are things becoming so fcked up now?

I wish I could tell you what I honestly what I thought was happening...because the email you sent to me today was so overdramtic and not even in response to what I said to you. The real problem is that you cant handle being friends because time spent with one another reminds you of us, it bring up feelings you cant deal with and makes you feel guilty becuase of your current relationship. Just fckn say that, dont try to turn it around on me and make it like its my fault. Say you still care to much and its to hard...at least I know and would respect the truth. I dont respect the bullshit lines you tried to feed me...and then you ask me what I think of what we have together now, and what I would like it to be? You know as well as I do I would not have chosen this path, this was your choice. But we both talked and made a concious decision to remain friends and try to get through the bullshit. Its been how long now...over a year nearly a year and half. We have meandered through the toughest water as far as Im concered. Im just hurt that cant trust me enough after 3 yers to just be honest...it all hurts the truth less then the lies though!

I wish I hated you, I wish I dint miss my friend, I wish I didnt give a fuck what happened to you..it would make this alot easier, but thats not who I am and you know that as well. Those are the things you always said you loved...now they are the things that are driving you away. Gotta love life and the irony of it all huh?