Why is it that when people you love are in trouble they come to you ask for your opinion and your help and then turn around an fckn ignore everything you have said and done???

They say your thoughts and action count or matter because you are the one that has always been there, and always will be right? And maybe thats the issue, maybe I should be there next time. I am so angry and hurt and feel slightly betrayed and maybe Im being dramatic, but how many times can you watch someone you care about walk right back into a dangerously unhealthy situation with the only explanation being I love him I cant leave. For christ sake you have kids to worry about if your not worried about yourself. Werent you the one who told me that you have been feeling exactly like you felt before your breakdown....and shoudlnt that tell you something? Is that what you want for you life, a circle of okay, not so okay, horrible, almost having a nervous breakdown, he get his shit together of like a month and it starts all over again?

Why do you drag me in everytime you feel like you need out? Is it because you know that I know thats the best thing for you to be out and you know I will be your biggest champion? Well guess what I dont know if I can do that anymore... I love you and the girls like you were my family, fck that you are my family but this hurts to much. Watching you destroy yourself slowly werr fckn 30 for christ sake its all just begining and your throwing it all away for what? For some twisted sense of what love is, beleive me baby that aint it. Just like it wasnt it with the first scumbag who beat you, and I know he would never physically hurt you but what he does is no different. He might as well hit you at least then people from the outside could see what the hell was going on...Pill addictions are hard to see unless you in the middle of it. How many time will you have to make up excuses to the pharmacist to refill a prescription of yours, one you have a valid reason for taking but done have anymore of because he found your hiding spot? What the hell kind of a life is this G?

Your text message last night broke my heart, I love you too but I dont know if I can forgive you this...maybe in time, but right now I am so angry with you. I wish so badly pops was still here he would have kicked your ass and knocked some serious sense into you. He would have killed Joe for the shit he pulled last week, and he wouldnt have allowed your parents to get involved and have you try to work things out yet again....they have no idea whats really happening!

Till next time my friend, I hope your well and that things work out Im sorry I cant be around to see how it plays out, its just to damn hard for me.

So I am officially sick, and when I say sick I mean full of nasty shit that makes it feel like I am trying to breath from 20,000 leagues under the sea! Every breath I take is freaking audible...so Im sure the people around me are just loving my existance at the moment. I am hacking like a 98 year old man who has smoked for 90 of those 98 years, and my throat is on fire.
I cant get in to see the damn doctor until 4:30 this afternoon, and my back and sides hurt from coughing, I am seriously cranky...in need of a hug, or someone to play with my hair or rub my back. When I feel this bad I crave contact like no other time...its a bit fucked up though talk about self defeating who the hell wants to be that close to someone who is infectious and contagious like haha!

I have been using my inhaler all morning as well, so ontop of all the icky sick stuff I am shakey like a crack whore in need of a fix...I am a sight to behold and you know you want this bwahahaha!

Yea and today I miss HER...the one who shall not be names(right miss Katie)! Why is when you feel at your lowest you pick the one and only thing that could make you feel worse then you do already and dwell on it...oh right because I am a masachist(sp?)

Thats my happy ray of fckn sunshine for the day

So I wake this morning at about 7:10am, cant go back to sleep because I am having a lovely asthma attack. Which is accompanied by a horribly painful cough...which I did not have when I went to sleep. All I can say is FUCK I dont have time for this shit. I have been fighting getting sick for about three weeks now, and I really thought I had won...guess again huh? Yea I love this time of year...why cant it just be summer and sunny and warm already I am really whiny right now, mostly because I could totally have slept this morning, I dont have to e in work untl noon. But no Im sittin gon the couch screwing around on the internet drinkng tea that is no longer hot and debating on when I should get in the shower, because I have to run to CVS...did I mention the asthma attack was only made worse by the fact that my inhaler is empty and the refill is sitting filled around the corner at CVS. No I didnt well yea it is haha!

In other news I hae become addicted to Missy Higgins...I mean I love her secnd album "On a Clear Night", but there are songs I am just getting to know rom her first album. Stuff she did live when we went to see her, if you get a minute you should lsiten to Scar, and 10 Days...they are off the album "The Sound of White"....fuckng amazing. I love music that seems to have come from my own experience...of course with someone elses voice, because mine at the moment sounds all froggy and scrtachy. Actually its sort of hot but only when I speak not sing haha.

Here is a snippet from Scar:
A triangle trying to squeeze through a circle she tried to blunt me so I'd fit. And doesnt that sound familiar, doesnt that hit to close to home, doesnt that make you shiver the way things could have gone, doesnt it feel peculiar when everyone wants a little more...so that I do remember to never go that far could you leave me with a scar. I think I realized just in time although my old self was hard to find, you can bathe me in your finest wine but Ill never give you mine. Cause Im a little bit tired of fearing Ill be the bad fruit nobody buys, tell me did you think we'd all dream the same!

Or from 10 Days:
So we put it an end to it this time, Im no longer yours and your no longer mine. You said this hill is far to steep if Im not even sure its me you want to keep. But its been 10 days without you in my reach, and the only time Ive touched you is in my sleep. But time has changed nothing at all your still the only one that feels like home. I tred cutting the ropes ties letting go but your still the only one that feels like home!


Any who....oh I went to a wedding this weekend, and the bride was seriously the ahppiest bride I have ever seen. And I have seen my share she freaking gowed from places I didnt think it was possible to glow from , lol! But all I really wanted to tell was that I looked fabulous and I never say I looked fabulaous...esp when it involves a dress. But I bought the most adorable, black and white polka dot sheer wrap dress(over a black slip dress of course) and unbelievably fabulous black and white pumps. The best part was that it looked all 1950's esq haha. Yea I excited..and there are no good pics of course but that my life so whatevs :)
Also purchase an amazing jacket on clearance for next season, haha Im not really sure when I became this crazy shopper girl but Im liking it.
Anyway I have nothing else really going on so I will stop babbling and get my ass in the shower, to the store and then to work...enjoy your Monday!

Its late and tomorrow will come to soon... Im exhausted but sleep wont come soon enough! So many things so little time, so many people to please but not enough of me to go around. Your far away and too far to reach, and yet when I am alone and lonely I wish that you were still the you I knew before things changed. The thing is I think I just miss the idea of us...and despite this I am not really sad and that makes me so happy :) yea I know Im fucked up and backwards haha..but thats me! But I think of others now when I think of the future and thats scary but exhilerating all at the same time.

Tomorrow I will get up early and run around doing things I promised to others, fullfilling commitments that I need to keep...that I want to keep. Because that is who I am and who I want to be. OMG I have a freaking twitch in my left eye I dont know when it started but its ridiculous lol..yea that was an aside! But these days I just think its stress...I feel stretched thin, and sort of frayed in many ways, and never clearer and more together in other ways.

The one thing I want is to replace the memory of what you felt like... I mean physically. I dont want to forget you or what we had...but I have moved ahead in so many ways. I just dont want to think of your touch everytime I think of being touched. I have moved ahead in this area as well...Im proud of myself Im moving on and forward. There have been a few people in the recent past that have helped..but I have this need for a night or a weekend of reckless wild abandon. I need to just have a purely physical, intense sexual experience. With someone I am drawn to and who makes me feel wanted and sexy and desirable again. Wanted and sexy and desirable to someone who isnt you..her! Im not writing this for her I am writing this for myself...!

I need to feel that heat, that throb, that ache...I want to want someone so much that I cant stop myself from assaulting there senses and them mine. I want to fuck until I cant move, until either of us cant move. I want to be taken and I want to give until they cant take anymore. I want to smell another woman and feel her skin and its heat against mine. I want to want to taste her and be inside of her until she cant compose a sentence anymore. And I know that all this means I am ready...ready for what exactly I dont have an answer, but my god am I ready to find out!

So tonight, I will fall asleep to though of a beautiful that I know...taking me in and to places that only we know. And its will be fun and exciting and passionate and hot and exactly what we both need. Knowing that I am still sexy and desirable...and with no other reason behind it except its what I NEED! Its been a long time since I have taken care of myself in this way, and its hard at times to remember in the midst of life that even I NEED to be taken care of!

PS sorry for any typos I m really tired!

So my Wed. nights have become a routine of late. I work until 8pm, go the to liquor store and pick up a bottle of wine( the big ones not the small ones)! I go to my friend Mares... I come in a get changed, she heats me up dinner cause she has always made something yummy for her and her hubby! We crack the bottle of wine, i eat and we wtach Criminal Minds...then as we drink a bit we end up just talking and chilling and usually watching wierd ass things On Demand...we found midget wrestling. Have a few glasses of wine and then watch the midget smack down...that what I call one hell of a night haha!

Its been a good week so far...comapred to last week thank god. I was just exhausted and emotional last week and dealing with more Apes bullshit. This week I feel like my head is in a different place, I just feel like I am looking at things differently. And thats all good for me lol :0

I have waived the white flag, surrendered a bit haha, and I am no longer puttin stock in something I cant rely on...I would say thats a step in the right direction. At least for me. I want to promise myself I am going to do more things that make me laugh, pr a bring to my face everyday. Maybe engage my self in new friendships/aquaintenceships ( is that a word? lol)! I love my friends and family and they bring me so much joy and happiness, but I have spent alot of the last year and half focusing on what I lost I think I have let some things pass me by with out giving then a chance...even potential friendships. I dotn want to do that anymore...Im worth more then that.

I have just finished my last glass of wine its nearly midnight, I am sitting in Mares rooms she is wtaching tv and I will be off to bed in like three minutes. I have to be up at 6:45am tomorrow and in work by 8am...Im off to dreamland, and dreaming is what I hope to be doing :0

Sweet dreams flisters...hope you all got a chance to take a look at the Lunar eclpise while it was happening. It was really awesome to see!!!!

You have done more harm then good, you have hurt me in ways I never relly imagined were possible. Im not trying to be dramatic Im just saying I never felt pain like the pain you caused me. I thought we had moved past alot of shit, and that we might have been headed back to the begining of this whole mess...our friendship. I guess I was wrong...and I know you say you feel like I make you the bad guy. Or that I agitate you by pointing out that your one with no time, but its thr truth I mean christ you admit that. And yes its a bit more complicated then a normal friendship because I never loved, or planned on creating a life with, or made love to a friend before. But if we made it this far why the hell are things becoming so fcked up now?

I wish I could tell you what I honestly what I thought was happening...because the email you sent to me today was so overdramtic and not even in response to what I said to you. The real problem is that you cant handle being friends because time spent with one another reminds you of us, it bring up feelings you cant deal with and makes you feel guilty becuase of your current relationship. Just fckn say that, dont try to turn it around on me and make it like its my fault. Say you still care to much and its to hard...at least I know and would respect the truth. I dont respect the bullshit lines you tried to feed me...and then you ask me what I think of what we have together now, and what I would like it to be? You know as well as I do I would not have chosen this path, this was your choice. But we both talked and made a concious decision to remain friends and try to get through the bullshit. Its been how long now...over a year nearly a year and half. We have meandered through the toughest water as far as Im concered. Im just hurt that cant trust me enough after 3 yers to just be honest...it all hurts the truth less then the lies though!

I wish I hated you, I wish I dint miss my friend, I wish I didnt give a fuck what happened to you..it would make this alot easier, but thats not who I am and you know that as well. Those are the things you always said you loved...now they are the things that are driving you away. Gotta love life and the irony of it all huh?

that make it hard to just turn my back and walk away, erase you from my everything. All you have to do is say something small and my resolve crumbles...its been over a year. I dont want to love you or miss you or need you anymore.

Why am I stuck in your head? Thats should tell you something shouldnt it?!?!?!
I want to so badly to send you the lyrics of this song, and pray you will get the hint...but Im not strong to do it!


Tristan Prettyman~Madly

I'm not surprised that you still call
I'm not surprised
I'm all surprised that i don't answer
pick up the phone to call you back
pick up the phone to call you back
ain't it funny how things work out like that

'cause the time that it takes to open my eyes
is the time that it took me to realize

madly madly madly
tell me that you need me
show me I'm the only and thats all i need to know.

madly madly madly
if you really love me,
when you see me leave and baby, just let me go

well i've been good, no i've been great
you say you're in a better place
and honestly, i might be for ya

but there's a tone in my voice that gives away my selfish choice.
can my heart beat any faster?

'cause the time that it takes to pass me by
is the time that it took me to realize

madly madly madly
tell me that you need me
show me I'm the only and thats all i need to know

madly madly madly
if you really love me,
when you see me leave and baby, just let me go

we'll give it up, try to find
what was with us all the time
gotta lose some things, if you're ever gonna get on by
and who was wrong, who was right
always end up in a fight
i thought i'd crumble, but no I'm fine.

madly madly madly
if you really love me
when you see me leave and just let me go

madly madly madly
well tell me that you need me and show me I'm the only and that's all i need to
know know know know

madly madly madly
if you really love me
when you see me leave and baby just let it go-no

madly madly madly
tell me that you want me
when you see me leave and baby
just let me go

Maybe one day I will be able to, until then I just hagn here in limbo waiting for a few words here and there that remind I am right, you dont love her as much and are trying too

We are supposed to be having our office christmas lunch. BUT it is freezing rain/snowing out and Deb isnt coming in so John is sending both me and Tim home early..thank god! That doesnt really help me because I have to babysit for my best friends girls when they get out of school so basically all this means for me is I get to go to to her apartament and hang out until the kids get home...at least it not sitting on my ass at work ;)
But after John tells me I can leave erly he says "oh you know the auction letters have to go out by tomorrow"...really cause I was not made aware of this, and I AM NOT doing inventories today. That would mean I would def not be able to leave early because we have like 20 rooms to be fckn inventoried. So do I have to come in tomorrow on my day off(to make up time for today) and to the inventories and the letter and whatev....either way Im fucked. If they are not done and post marked by tomorrow by law we cant sell the items on the day the auction is set up for. Now personally I dont give a fuck if have an auction or not, I mean non of these people are going to pay to avoid being sold and no one is going to buy their shit. And yes its all SHIT! So as far as I am concerned we can wait until the next one is supposed to be set up for March and set them all up then. I just want my weekend to start and not have to worry about being back here until fckn Sunday in the middle of the Noreaster we are supposed to get...so I can call out and really not have to be in until Monday afternoon.

I am completely and totally aggrivated at this moment...why can nothing ever just be fckn normal and go smoothly???????

I swear I dont understand what the hell is wrong with me. Its so frustrating because I will be fine for weeks, sometimes months..by this I mean I dont feel the "need" to speak to my ex, see her, I could care less who she is speaking to ro spending time with ect.

But then out of no where I get all creepy emo girl on myslef...and her! Not that she really knows but still. I mean we havent really spoken short leavingone another a voice mail here and there over the last two weeks or so right. So the other day I spoke to a mutual friend and I know they speak EVERYDAY at least 2 to 4x's a day( they are in different countries mind you). That isnt what annoys me, what annoys me is that everytime me and her speak(my ex) I get this whole I miss you, and I love but Im so busy and feel so bad we havent talked in so long thing. Okay here is the deal, dont make excuses I would not be as annoyed about the time span in between our convo's....but I dont want to hear how busy you are and how you dont have time when you are on the phone to another country more then once a day...I mean am I crazy here. I mean well Im sure Im a lil crazy cause I still give a shit about any of this at all, but we decided to try to maintain a friendship..maybe thats why Im crazy.

Anyway so this is the problem, I called and left a voicemail last night....which Im sure more whiny and bitchy then it should have been but whatev Im over that. And o she called me this morning....and I didnt answer because I could not be assured that I wasnt going to be a total and complete CUNT(sorry for those of you who dislike this work...Im not a fan but when its appropriate I feel the need to use it) to her. Which is just my still slightly broken and tattered heart and smashed ego tryng to cope with things I has no say in. Okay but to the point of my writing in the first place....after I listened to the message left which was total bullshit just rambling about the nothingness that keeps her so fucking busy and unable to function and how she is just so exhausted(if your life wasnt a big sham you might not be so fckn exhausted) all the time, but she misses me blah blah blah....I want to do all sorts of stalkerish shit all the sudden. I have her voicemail password( her mistake) and I know she saves voicemails like its her job, she usually has to go in and delete them cause she cant save new ones. So I want to listen to them ,and thats masacistic I know but hey what can I say...esp since I know she will turn her phone off when she gets to work and I can do it without her even knowing I called lol. And then off course Im here on the interenet and I was on my photobucket and I want so badly to check her account( again her mistake for giving me the password) that might seem strange. But the thing is a part of me wants to see if there are new pics of her "girlfriend" who no one knows about and her"gf"s family. O fif there are new pics of her which I know are being sent to someone else and not her "gf"....I have serious issues I know but I just needed to share my insanity. Maybe one of you can just tell me how fckn nuts I am and help slap some sense into me....or not!

Its going to snow soon and its cold and I should be feeling all christmassy but I am broke literally until tomorrow...so when I purchase my first gift for christmas I think I will feel better! And we are having a christmas party at my house on Sat night, and there is supposed to be a major storm coming in on saturday night...Im hoping that its comes like reallt late night sat into sunday morning.
Im done babbling I suppose...oh oh oh sugabunny889 have a great trip lovely...you will be in the nice warm weather and me and lea will be freezing our asses off over here in snowy Jersey!

Okay have a great weekend everyone...because mine starts today!

I will be watching both Daughtry and Bon Jovi....Im a hometown girl, nothin but Jersey pride for and the boys! I have never seen them in concert, Im sure it will be a good night to say the very least <3

About a month ago I was having a conversation with April. And literally while we were talking I had an epiphany....I love this woman still , but I dont know if it would have worked...maybe there are somethings that create a gap a little to large to cover! I mean the truth is we come from different worlds, have some beliefs that paralell but the others could not be more different. We literally approach life from opposite ends of the spectrum. All that being said we managed to be fall in love with one another, seeminglt effortelessly. It just happened it was like a flash of light, and and when the lingering image it creates in you eyes disappeared there she was. As beautiful and amazing as I could have ever imagined or wanted or needed. And then in one more flash she was gone....but I realize now that even though I was the one who always pointed out things she did not see, it was her who saw this. She knew she was never going to be in a place to as emotionally available as I needed her to bo, not even wanted. She was never going to able to pick up and leave the life she so desperately wants to want, to come to a life she so desperatley wanted to make her own. It was her who was the strong one and made a decision to save us both the heartache of what would have eventually happened. She may have tried to leave, and she may have gotten here to me like she and I planned. But in the end she would have always gone home...to "her" and the family she had become a part of. The family that didnt know she and "her" had been an item, and saw her as a daughter/sister/friend and who never understood why she would have moved halfway across the country with no real explanation. Because they could never know really know the truth...they dont understand, they think its wrong, they would have made her an outcast along with their own daughter. And after all these years of playing the game of hide and seek...she doesnt know how not too. And sometimes old dogs dont have the energy to learn new tricks....it have nothing to do with what they want.

All that being said....in that moment a switch literally was flipped. It was like I wanted to thank her for being the strong one, when all this time I was thinking she was the weak one. For walking away without really trying, for giving up one something she and I really wantes, and what I truely believed would have worked. But now I know that I really wasnt listening to her concerns the way I thought I was. I thought she was just scared of all the unknown, and that we could get through it together..because truth be told I was scared as well. But she was really trying to tell me there was part of her that would never be able to let go of that had become the life she loved/hated. And she was truely sorry to have hurt me, but also herslef. She gave herself a taste of freedom, of life without those insane restraints she fights to hard to break free of, but submits to in the end because not submitting means losing so much more then she feels she handle...everything she has ever know!

But now I hear her voice, and its great to talk to her..to catch up on life, to find out how she is. Without the pain and hurt and angst....its literally okay. And it takes me by surprise everytime, but I guess because its a new feeling still. I went from complete happiness and joy, immediatley replaced by pain and heartache....to feelingthankful to have had her in my life in that capacity and even more thankful that we fought our way through the hurt and pain and have been able to become friends again. I missed my friend, almost more then I missed my lover.

I dont mean to say that I dont have moments that fill me memories of what she felt like, or smelled like, of what that smile lookes like upclose and those eyes. Or a moment when I miss the life we had started. But they pass almost as quickly as they come, and then I move onto the next moment in my world. And that...the being able to move from one moment to another is just the most amazing feeling in the world. I have spent way to many moments stuck...looking at the other moments passing me by and not being able to get to them and being so angry at myself for that. But I realize that the truth of it all is that I really just needed to allow myself to be in it and grieve the lose of some hopes and dreams and the love that accompanied them. I always wanted to slap people when they would say it just takes time, but they would prove to have been correct.

Time has a way of making things right again, of allowing wounds to heal in their own way, and for allowing your eyes to adjust to the new light so you can see clearly once more.
Who knew........<3

I guess thats why I havent posted in forever...life is just life. And that my friends inst always a bad thing. Not to much drama, or insanity...except for work. But that is really my own fault, I am not looking hard enough or at all most days for another one. I believe they call that being complacent? Anwyay thing withs the girl are just sort of existing, she hasnt changed her mind and I havent changed mine...so we are each in our own worlds, doing our own things, and keeping in contact more frequently and normally then in the last few months. My birthday was a couple of weekd ago, and it was actually nice! Its a rare occaision that I dont hate my birthday, and I didnt cry once(huge thing lol)!
I am supposed to be helping with a bridal shower for a friend of mine...can I just tell you I have no idea who someone I love and adore as much as my friend Mare can be best friend with such a stuck up, up tight needs to get fucked hard core pain in the ass like her friend V
Seriously fucking kill me now, she has made all the decisions and is just doling out assingments like no one else has a life or everyone has the kind of money she has.Im sorry but I didnt marry a sugar daddy and spend 70g's on a wedding, this is going to have to be on a budget girlfriend!

Im so frustrated with that whole thing these days I just want to slap her...really really hard in her pretty little face ;)

Beyond that I really need to get a life and by that I mean I need to go out and find some random person and get some, lol....Im just fuckin around, thats not me Im not really a one night stand kinda kinda girl...but hell everyone could use a little excitment right?

I am a little burdened these days, my brain is in overload I cant stop thinking....all the time. I know I need to come out so to speak to my mother....I dont even know if coming out is what it would be called. I guess Im confused about how to even approach it with her since Im not so clear on it all myself. The thing is I identify as bi-sexual....and I know that no matter what my mom will eventually be okay with it all. But she is a hard one at times, she asks all kinds of questions, and I know that the biggest issue will be why I have waited so long ,once she gets over herself. Im sort of kicking myself in the ass for not talking to her sooner. So I just feel like its going to be more complicated then it needed to be but made it worse, by keeping the last two years of my life underwraps and away from her. Yea okay so see the last paragraph is a jumble of shit, can imagine me trying to talk about this with her. The other thing I am not one to hide things at all from anyone but her esp. even things I havent been the most proud of I have always been honest about from the get go. I guess when I was trying to come to terms with the fact that this is who I am I was having a hard time with, so I didnt know what the hell she would do with it. The other thing is I have no idea how I made it through the last 8 months with her, she is my buddy and friend and all around person...and its been alot of work to hide whats going on in my mind, heart and soul from her. I dont want to anymore, I want to come home and be like I had a shitty Apes pissed me off, or I miss her or she called today and sang me happy birthday and even though it shoudlnt have it made my day and I hate that I still have so much love for someone who isnt willing to put in the effort to be with me blah blah blah blah blah!!!!! I dont know, god I wish she was still a drunk it would have been easier to have this convo while she was in the bag, haha Im just playing. Christ thats all I would need...no thank you.

So my rant is over I guess Ill figure it out, Im just really unsure...and Im not used to being in that position. I almost never am at a loss for where I stand on things even when others disagree with where Im at!

HELP ME

Oh p.s. btw I am going to see Bon Jovi and Daughtry! Nov 7th....Im all about the Jersey pride and the the omg dripping sexiness of Mr. Daughtry!!!!!!

Is it really true that opposites attract...I mean I guess it can be. In my most recent relationship it was definatly true, its also true that because our lives were so vastly different despite the love, and the attraction to be a part of what the other had as part of their life it just cannot be?! So is it a good thing or a bad thing that opposites attract..I dont know.

How is it possible that something I find so momentous or memorable or just freaking important, can just pass by without notice to someone who was a part the same event?! different points of views I guess, or different values...maybe?

How do people who keep it all inside survive....I think I would literally explode. I cant keep it even when I should, when I want too,, my heart, my emotions, my thoughts are worn on my sleeve, and in my facial expressions, and tone of voice. How do you all do it?!

How can some people just up and walk away from things they swear are important, or meaningful to them...whatever. I want to know how to not feel so tied things, I want to pack what i own in my car and drive, as far as it takes me and settle for a little while, and up and do it all over again. I want to see the country, the small little town not the tourist sights. I want to meet the people who live everyday and try to cultivate a life they feel is worth living. And then I want to come home and be tied down again...any suggestions?!

Oh well this is my head....full of thoughts, ideas, needs and wants. What can I say I am restless and in need of change and new connections *sigh*

Im pretty sure Im more bitter then I have the right to be, but that dosnt stop me from being that way and more bitter then I let on to most people

Im pretty sure I am totally fucking unhappy, despite the friends and family I am surrounded by

Im pretty sure I am very close to just quitting my job, packing my car and driving.,.to where Im not sure, for what reason even more unsure, for how long who gives a shit

Im pretty sure Im about to turn 29 and have not a fucking thing to show for it, except of course that I have been the best of friends and the most amazing family member anyone could ever want because every one else is ALWAYS FUCKING taking care of....any idea when the hell its finally my turn?

Im pretty sure something has got to change or I will no doubt lose my mind before I turn thirty

Im also pretty sure this post wont mean anything to anyone else but thats okay becaue I feel better putting it out there then I do when its just rummbling around in my head

Im pretty sure there have been multiple oppurtunites I have let pass me by for fear of what others would say/do, or because I was more worried about how it would affect others situations and now I am pretty tied down in a situation that although not impossible to get out of is pretty near impossible

Im pretty sure I wanted to be settle in a career not just some shitty pays the bills(barley) job by now as well as wanting to have been settle with someone I love and possibly in the midst of starting a family already

Im pretty sure I am jealous of people I love which makes me physically sick because I was never that person

Im pretty sure I dont like who I have become hence the rest of the unhappiness that has ensued


Im pretty sure that last year at this time nothing could have made me unhappy, I was in love, and beinging giving all I needed to feel like that relationship was strong, and solid and going to last as long as we wanted it to. Im also pretty sure that it was not my decision or my idea for it to be what it is currently...beyond unhealthy, and fucking complicated and more painful then anything

Im pretty sure I cant change the past and the roads or journeys that have lead me to where I am currenlty...but I am also pretty sure that I cant do this anymore so from now on if I want it Im doing it someway somehow

And from now on I refuse to allow people to think that just because I dont have alot to show for my time here on this earth that I havent made an impact, because I have in so many place just not where I thought they would be. I need to just focus on myself for once, no matter how scary or frightening or hard that may be.

No Im not going to Disney I want to go to europe...and travel
No I dont want to work here anymore, I need to be challenged and occupied
No I will not still be somewhere that doesnt not have enough room for me to have my own space much longer
No I will not continue to feel like I am unworthy of what I deserve

So just when I think life cant get any more complicated I get smakced in the head with a bit more reality then I would like. Dont get me wrong I have lived long enough, and hard enough to be aware that there is never a dull moment. But every now and then I get this feeling that maybe just maybe it will just normal everyday crap you know like money issues or work sucking. But no the last two weeks apparently people have telling my sisters that my baby brother has started using "X" and also dabbling in pain killers and muscle relaxers! Oh yea.....and apparently on Sunday my mother found him half unconsious in his bed, all pale and sweating profusely and mummbling. She was shaking him, slapping him, had to rub him down in cold water and eventually throw his ass in a cold shower until he came to completely. He swears he was hung over and exhausted they stayed up all night partying....which is pure bullshit. What scares me most is that he really think we dont know what he is up to, and that what happened yesterday he just blows off like its no big deal. He actually had the balls to ask my mother if she was yelling at him and why...he doesnt remember any of it. I mean if I were as fucked out of my head as he was I would remember it either. Apparently my cousin who is like more like a brother to him and also his friend and hangs out with his group of friends also had the exact same thing happen to him of Sunday. I guess they got a bad batch....I would like to know how many people we are going to have to bury before they freaking realize that life isnt a fucking game! Its not like they have already buried three people of OD's and drunking driving incidents, and two others because they were so fucked up they managed to get themselves hit by a passenger train in the middle of the night because they were walking on the tracks...why oh why would we think before we act!

So I have been on vacation tech since last Thur. I spent Thur evening Fri and Sat near the beach with friends, not at the beach. We stay at my friends parents place it was so humid and gross though we just spent three days in the air conditioning or on the deck at night DRINKING....I have had my fill of Mailbu bay breezes for a while I think.

Then it was off the NYC(40 min on NJ Transit...eww)Sat night to meet my Aussie. It was so much fun...have you ever had the oppurtunity to see things you consider normal everyday things through someone elses eyes. Fresh, child like eyes....its awesome. I grew up here right next door, i love NYC its energetic, and full of life, and diversity and beautiful places if you know where to look. But for someone who is seeing it and feeling it all for the first time its overwhelming. It was great to be a part of it. We did typical tourist type stuff, Statue of Libery, Empire State Building, Chrysler Building, Central Park( I have a new found love for this place), a Yankees game. I have to say though I was very proud of myself because although I use the subway when I can I have never spent as much time going to so many different place using it. I am a pro now(get your minds out of the gutter)!

I have to say that walking around NYC and taking the subway on the three hottest days we have had this summer was no freaking picnic. I felt like I was just sweating for three entire days. Gross I know, imagine how I felt, lol. I took like three showers a day between sites if I could. Forget the hair that was a lost cause...can we say ponytail and hairspray please.

Everything else is status quo I guess....nothing has changed really. I still talk to Apes when she is feeling up to it I guess. I am having a hard time with it lately though, I fond myself being aggrivated when she doesnt call and annoyed when she does. I have issues, lol...I just wish we could go back. Back to a place where we knew what we felt a nd agreed that that we could have what we wanted. I hate that went to far you know. I think if had just decided even though we loved one another uprooting our lives was not a good idea things would be much different. But no we decided to go ahead and try to be together and then it all blew up in my face...still not sure how that happened. And I am the being penalized for her indecision and lies. Oh well..I still love her and often times wish I didnt, or that I could just let go a bit more.I wish we could be what we used to be one another secret esacpe from the tworld, that worked, this does not.

So yesterday I almost killed my sister...odd! We are both full grown woman, and dont usually argue. Lets get this out of the way yes I am 28 and yes I live with my mother and my siblings. Now does that bother me not really, it was my choice to move back after forever to save some money and help out after she threw out the scum bag step father.The thing is its been beneficial to everyone but me, in the begining it was to me too but that changed quickly. Lots of things have happened since I moved in a few years back. To many to list really, lets just say that at many points in time I have been the only ADULT so to speak in the house. I was also the only one working for a very long time due to insane circumstances, and the only one with a car ect. Now I have never had to pay a set amount of rent but have ALWAYS done above and beyond what I could to help out. When things settle down and everyone was back up and up on their feet, and the kids wer no longer kids but willing and able adults things chilled for a while. But things ebb and flow and well money was tight household wise. So mom agreed to pay the rent and try to keep food in the house, and the four of us decided to pay the household bills and put in for food, on top of our own bills. Lets just say that that has not gone so well. When we took over the bills many of them were so far behind it was literally just payng what we could to keep things from being turned off month to month. But as it turns as per my families usual antics I have been doing most of it alone, and putting myself personaly deeper in the hole. Honestly not really complaining I know I make more then the kids( 19, 20, and 22). But heres the thing, I dont have a bed room. I sleep on the pull out sofa, and share a closet in one of the rooms where I also have a dresser. So when my sister isnt home I sometimes sleep in her bed, cause well its empty and the couch SUCKS... My sister has a issue with anyone in her bed beside her or her boyfriend. And she decided to flip on my yesterday in all my exhausted glory because when i got back from my time in the city I sleep in her bed. I told her to grow up and get over it, she is almost never home, and if its that big of a deal maybe she should take her bed to Geoffs since she basically lives there anyway. She in turn told me I was nearly 30 and she get my own bed, to which I responded maybe you should pay your fucking share so I can stop carrying your ass and I could afford to get my own. This went back and forth and I felt like we were 10 again, but I was so angry. She has got to be kidding me I have been paying for eveyone in this house for as long as I have been there and you cant extend me the curtosy of allowing me to sleep in your fucking bed the one you dont use four out of seven nights a week. Mind you I was at work when she called me to tell me to stay out of her bed, like I have time for this. Then I get home and she wacts like nothing happened.

And apparently my baby brother(19) has a new found habit of poppin pain killers and muscle relaxers....I do not have money for rehab this little fucker better get his shit straight I dont have the energy.

Beyond all that I am actaully in a decent mood these days, not to much crying or lamenting. Just working and trying to enjoy the MOMENT you know. Thats hard for me I am always in "makeing sure things are right" mode, and that just gets to tiring so I am workng on the new approach. I also think i might need to go to a doctor soon, latley I have been getting really light headed, and having some slight pinches or twinges in my chest. Lovely my fat ass will drop dead of a heart attack before I even make it to 30...that would really put a damper on my plans.

Gotta go do some work now, hope all is well in your world!

Okay so let me start off by saying that I know what I am about to say wont make much sense to anyone, haha!

I am the assistant property manager for a self storage company. We had a room that went to auction( the company went belly up), but no onw bought the items. Mainly because well what do you do with horse stalls used for transportation on planes..if you dont transport horses on planes for a living? Anyway I was seriously just laughing my ass off, we promised the unit they were in to a customer, and screwed up the dates. The dumpster to dispose of the stalls isnt coming until Thurs. and he wanted the room TODAY...dilemma no way my boss says. Him and my maintainence guy used a pallet jack some rope and a freaking golf cart to haul these freaking things from where they were to another room...it was like a three ring circus! I have not laughed that hard in a long time, at least not at there expense :)

Lets see on the relationship front or non relationship front....someone who shall remain nameless is planning a trip to another country to visit a mutual friend. So guess where she would like her layover to be...could it be right here 20 minutes from me. So she can see me and hug for a little while. YES. I have to say even if it doesnt happen it was nice to actually here her say that after all this she misses me and wold really relly like to see me, because she cold really some Jayme Hugs...hmmmm Ill give hugs no problem. She might however have a hard time stopping me from getting indecent in a public place....I have never been in the airport long enough to have any fun ;p

I will however probably need to picked up off the floor with a broom and dust pan when i have to let her go to get on a plane to go back to her LIFE!!! SIGH....oh well thats life. Im a big girl Ill deal with it like I deal with all the rest of the crap right?!?!?!

Its ummm hot and gross today so I will be avoiding all the outdoor things I can today. i dont do 90 degree heat unless my fat ass is on a beach somewhere, lol. Im currently out of cigarettes, so i may have to leave the office and run to the store....maybe i will wait until lunch, but Im starving so that wont be much longer either!

Okay I have nothing interesting left to share...my life is boring these days.

So today has been 8 years since my father died.....in one respect it seems like just yesterday and in another it feels like he has been gone for half my life. The thing I think of my dad often, but often times leads me to a place of anger or annoyance. And not at him, Im not angry he died or that he was sick....that makes me sad he was to young 39 is to early to leave this world. Its the situation that was created by his death that makes me so angry....the readers digest version: My father after a long two year struggle with throat cancer, his girlfriend of like 4 or 5 years sort of just slips in the whole by the way we got married on the beach in the islands on our last vacation! Ummm yea thats interesting, so the family feels bad for her because she did take care of him while he was sick and I give her credit for that, and she was there when he died sh watched him literally bleed to death on the living room floor. I will forever be greatfful that she was with him he wasnt alone in that moment, and forever will I wish that was not her last memory of him. But she then proceeded to play the victim card, the poor martyr who watched him die....your not the only one who lost someone!
Anyway the family was like give her time she needs some time before we try to make plans to spread his ashes(which she got by the way because they were "married" and no one official asked for proof?) and before we ask for the family pictures she had nothing to do with and his jewelary for his only son. So being the obedient young woman I was at the time I did what my grandparents and family memebers asked me to and waited. So what happens she slowly but surely stops returning phone calles, and letters, and she moves and extremly reluctantly give me the phone number or address. Needless to say 8 years later and there is no communication at all and she still has everything. His four children have nothing, and she is just off living her life. Thats not to say that we are not living our lives but still.
This whole situation which usually I can just blow off and work around was set into a spinning whirl of shit when at nearly 1am my sister Hollie called me last night....hysterical and drunk(she is 22)sobbing about how much she misses him, and she hates that she misses him because it hurts to much to think about and that she just wishes she had somewhere to go or something to hold that made her feel close to him again. See there is no grave, there is no site where ashes were spread, and beside the normal family photos she feels like she has nothing of him. We are very different like that I dont need somewhere to go or something to hold but her and my sister Shannon and my brother were alot younger then me when he died. They had not seen him in nearly 3 months because he didnt want them to remember him like that(and it was a horrible visual believe me). I guess I just get so angry for them, I feel like they got jipped out first off time with him that I had, and then any thing that was left behind because they never got anything of his.

Wow maybe not the readers digest version I was hoping for haha! Anyway today I talk to my mother and ask her to call and check on Hollie and explain what happened last night. She does and then she calls me back and askes me if I have Adrienne's number(the girlfriend)...i say not anymore, and she tells me to find it! and get back to her. So I google the last address I have and POP here comes my fathers name and her address with the phone number. Let me explain something,my father never lived in this current house she lives in. She bought it after he died, and the phone number was never his either...but she just transferred the account obviously and got a new number. I think its creepy that after 8 years her phone number is still in his name. Maybe she needs his ashes more then we ever could...*sigh*!

I dont know what to think, anyway my mother apparently called her and left her a voicemail message asking her to call back because she would like to discuss the whereabouts of my fathers ashes and our family photos because his children have nothing of his and although she loved him so did his children and she thinks its appropriate that we finally have our share of what rightfully ours. Let me mention that in the begining my mother didnt get involved because her and my father were divorced and she felt it wasnt her place as long as his parents and siblings where involved, but well they have all but giving up or forgotten and she still sees the pain her kids feel at the loss of their father even if it was 8 years.

I dont know its just been a day of thinking about it all and talking about it all again and again, and just when you think you can let it go and be okay with it you have a moment and its all just as unnerving as it was when it first happened.
Beyond that it has just been an insane week or two, and I am feeling stressed out and I got my fucking period again....It was over on Tuesday and then i am out dancing and drinking and "gayin it up"(aimee would be so proud I just used her favortie phrase) and BLAMMMMMM i start bleeding while Im out and horribly unprepared. I hate my fucking menstral cycle its more fucked up then the rest of my life, haha.

And I am need of a good lay....its sad when your being hit only by someone your not in the least bit attracted to and your sucking up the attention because your to fucking lonely to care where its coming from. And where you want it from.....not happeneing!

This has been one long fucking whine fest....I am sorry for all of you who just wasted three minutes of your life reading this. But I thank you for indulging me and my insanity! Until next time <3

I have not posted in what feels like a million years. I have tons to say and cant figure out what I want to say, thats just lovely isnt it?
Anyway I am feeling so moody, not cranky or irritable at all...just emotionall rollercoastery....thats so not a word but it makes sense in my brain! I go from okay to sad, or lonely, to okay again...even happy. And Im not depressed because well I have been there..literally diagnosed meds and all. Its just sort of going through lots of thoughts, feelings, emotions, realizations. Today I actually told a good friend that I have come to thte conclusion that me and Apes will always be what we started as...before we thought we could uproot our lives and start over. We will forever the other persons secret place of love, the place we retreat to thats just ours and no one else. The piece of ourselves we share with no one but one another, and escape a safe haven. And as amazing as that is to have, its just hard to figure out how to go on....knowing that if circumstances were different we would be together fully.

Do you ever wonder why we are born where we are born, to the community or lives that are our own? I mean me and her have talked about it, if our lives were not what they were when we met things would most likely be different, if we were not 1000 miles apart it might have worked easier, haha! Its just not possible sometimes to gain something that is everything when you have to literally leave behind everything else you know. And when all that you know would accept the entrance of something new into the mix. That freakin song that says sometimes love just aint enough...I never understood why until now! Life can be much more complicated then just having what you want, its about finding a way to make it all work and sometimes there is not a way to make it fit together.

Im just babvling because I wanted it out of my head....hope I didnt bore you all to much!

~ till next time <3

Lets start with yesterday...I feel like I was as glued to the tv/interent as I could possibly have been trying to keep up on what was going in the world around me. Right here at home all the destruction and mess caused by the storm and flooding, and well obviously with the degusting act of cowardess at VT.

The VT thing is obviously unnerving for the general population, but I cant imagine the fear and terror that the victims, survivors, and families must have felt or are still feeling. The reality of something this massive brings fear and saddness to me. A good friends ex's sister goes to VT, and yesterday the panik that they felt while trying to contact her is just unimaginable to me. My thoughts and prayers are with everyone who were touched by this horrific act.

I guess all of this stuff rolling around in my head before bed lead to my strange on going all night long, I woke up and went back to sleep and it continued dream, lol. I have been thinking of getting another tatto and I am a bit torn. I know what I would like to get or I have an idea at least but Im not so sure where toput this one. I am not some tiny little skiny chick who can put it on her hip or her lower back...you would see the tatto first when you looked there, haha. But beyond that recently I have begun to feel like beside the one I have wanted for a while I should get some tribute to my father, he has been gone for nearly 8 years but is very much a part of my life still. Anyway last night the continuing theme of my dream was me and my mother and friends including Apes trying to decide exactly what I should get as a tribute. But as it turns out(in my dream) I decided that I should get some type of symbol like a small star or flower or angels wings but not just for my father but also for my grandfather, and pop-pop and also mark....like a shrine to the dead men in my life. And either above or below the symbol I would have to put there names, and then some type of banner above or below the entire thing, maybe I miss you, or I love you or in memeory of. So I went from one tatto to a mural filled with much discussion about where and exactly what I should get. It continued even after I woke up to pee and went back to bed!

I think alot of this had to do with the fact that Sat was Mark birthday he would have been 19, and my father birthday is the 19th(Thur) he would be 47. So yea I guess maybe its just the time of year, and all the stuff thats been going on yesterday.

Im alone today for most of the day John is out of the office at a meeting with the owner...Im not sure how the hell is going to ge there because the home office is in the midst of the flood zone. I know alot of water had receded and alot of the road have been opened but there are still alot of places that are impassable. He shouold be in a great mood when he returns this afternoon, lol. I dont care Im free for a good portion of the day!